It's okay though. What would be weird is if I wasn't weird. Although at times, I think I am way out there. My mom always said que estoy en la luna, meaning my heads is in the clouds (literal translation is: I'm on the moon....which would be cool btw). Which is why I am so oblivious and lack "common sense." I put that in quotes because i find that what is obvious to others is not generally to me, but what to me seems clearly evident isn't necessarily for others. We just have different trains of thoughts.
But back on the original train, have you ever wondered why you do things how you do them? I mean, have you seriously sat there and just traced it back to the moment where your habit became a habit? For a long time I was simply lazy and didn't do it, although I was aware of the fact that I could do it and I would have a cool little insight on how I function, I just didn't feel like it. Then, sometime after taking a psychology class, I wanted to know why I did things the way I did but I was really afraid that if I really thought about to much I would uncover something my mind had repressed that I really didn't want to remember. I have come to the conclusion that my forgetful nature has been quite a blessing to me because it allows me to stay optimistic about life.
Well recently, after some serious daydreaming, I've come to realize the source of some of the things which are particular to me, well at least some possible hypotheses anyways. For example, for as long as I can remember I have been afraid of heights. I never really knew why. My brother always just told me that I was most likely just afraid falling. I don't really know which one is right. I think it's more like a combination of both.
Well, I sat down and started to think of the first time I remember actually being scared of heights. I couldn't think of an exact moment. I mean, I was like a monkey as a child. I loved climbing trees and on small enough hallways trying to climb up the walls. The only thing I could think of was that all my life, except for about a year and the when I started college, I've always had a bunk bed. And I've always slept on the bottom bunk. Then I wondered why did I never change. For one, because I'm the younger sister and my choice is automatically overruled, plus I was already accustomed to it. But, here is my moment of enlightenment, I didn't sleep on the top bunk because ever since I was little I've always rolled around and kicked about in my sleep. So to protect me from myself, I slept on the bottom bunk so if ever I rolled off the bed in my sleep the fall to the floor wasn't as bad. So, I guess, subconsciously I've figured anything higher than a bunk bed meant there was a possibility of me falling, thus I was afraid.
I literally just figured out the other day, and I am still somewhat amazed. It may sound silly to you, but I am convinced if you psychoanalyze your own behavior you'll be flabbergasted with yourself. Take my next mannerism/habit/whatever you call it for example, I am a tomboy. Well sort of, if you know me you could probably find a better description. I love playing sports, hanging out with guys, being rough, farting, being a bum, playing video games (which I suck at), eating, talking like a bro, saying bro man and dude and stuff. Basically yeah things like, that and don't get me wrong I still have a girly side, I like dresses and stuff, but being careless like guys can be so much funner. Anyways, I've begin to wonder why do the poo do I do that?
I've traced it back to this: When I was barely three years old, my mom passed away to cancer. So during those formative years where little boys identify with their father and little girls with their mothers, I had mainly my father and my uncles. Though eventually my dad remarried to my wonderful mother, I guess by that time I had grown very close to my dad. Now there's no reason to like pity or anything. I beg you please don't. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, and though there were hardships to get there, that's what needed to happen. And like I said, my forgetfulness served as a blessing too so I could grow and be a happy child.
So upon this realization, I've gained a whole new perspective on myself. Crazy how life shapes you and you don't even realize it. Ignorance is really bliss and for while I wholeheartedly believed that I could keep my innocence forever through being ignorant of certain things. But I wasn't going to be able to grow up like that. I'm still trying to reconcile that idea, but we'll see how that goes. I'll give you a heads up if I ever do, meanwhile maybe you can get to know yourself a bit more and perhaps I can get to know you too :)
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