A Long, Unexpressed Thought

I’ve been wanting to write something again and now as the new school year begins it seems like an appropriate time to pick this habit up again.

There have been too many thoughts that have been clouding my head and I haven’t found the adequate way to express them in words nor the person nor moment to share them. So as I sit on my bed, taking in the quietness and peace of the morning, I think I will finally express my thoughts verbally.

There is a book that has been the source of my ideas: Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I began reading it in the beginning of the summer and didn’t pick it back up until two days ago. As I dwelled on my own beliefs, I felt reconvicted and enlightened as Lewis explained the essence of Christianity. Concepts that I’ve known since childhood made more sense. I had almost finished reading the book when I arrived at the church I would be working at during the summer. Though I read other books (to my amazement in their entirety), I didn’t finish this one and other thoughts and incomplete ideas came to my mind.

The way Lewis writes fascinates me. His illustrations and understanding of God dumbfounded me at the thought that some aspects of God are simpler (and logical as well) than we think. God is the God who invented rhyme and reason, why would anything He created or is for that matter not follow the same conduct. Anyways, back to the point, I started seen myself wanting to think like Lewis (or at least as he wrote) making logical arguments and using things found in the natural world to explain the spiritual when the thought came to mind: do I fully believe what I say I believe?

I comforted myself saying I did. In fact the other books I read this summer where about deepening your faith and getting rid of anything thoughts, actions, and behaviors that hinder your faith. But the thought kept on creeping at my door. Am I just well-versed in Christian teachings? I’d like to think I am to some extent. My father is a minister; I must have learned something from him. But, what if I was just “knowledgeable?” This thought disconcerted me.

I’ve carried that thought like baggage most of the summer. What about my calling to missions? Was that just an idea I came up with? What about teaching the youth? Is that just something I do because I can? “It is for freedom Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.” Galatian 5:1. I had once again become a slave to my own thoughts and desires to be a rational, well-educated, “knowledgeable” individual. I had let the idea that I should try understand my faith as someone outside my faith to see why they don’t believe, lead me to think that I, myself, am not a believer. My “noble” quest had almost defeated me.

Then, I was comforted by this book I neglected to pick back up. The chapter I read this morning talked about pretending. Now there are two different sorts of pretending: one in which a bad pretends to be good in order to deceive and another in which, for example, we pretend to be friendly because we know it is courteous but as we pretend we soon notice we are indeed feeling friendlier. Lewis used this to explain how we truly becoming little Christs by being as he would be. This I had heard before but the second sort of pretending Lewis explained almost broke me into tears. I’ll just take his words since I cannot make justice to his diction.

“But [God] says ‘Let us pretend that this is not a mere creature, but Our Son. It is like Christ in  so far as it is a Man, for He became Man. Let us pretend that it is also like Him in Spirit. Let us treat is as if it were what in fact it is not. Let us pretend in order to make the pretence into a reality.’ God looks at you as if you were a little Christ: Christ stands beside you to turn you into one.” 

And that’s the moment where I remember His vast love and how little or more like at all I deserve it. God looks at me in such love and compassion, that even when I am completely out of whack in my thinking He looks at me and says that is My child, and He loves me and forgives me, in spite of me.

God will mold me into who He wants me to be. He will use me however He sees fit, regardless of what I do. But how much more beautiful is it not the moment we realize, that we are completely at His mercy and He loves us.

My walk in Christ is such a journey that I cannot explain it in words, I just wish you could see my life and understand and simply see how good God is. How he forgives and takes you by the hand and leads you to where you need to go. I really just wish my life can reflect that.

Maybe I'm Just an Idealist

I would like to think that people are noble. I would like to think there is good in everyone. But maybe I'm just an idealist. 


The other day I stuck was in the midst of an argument between people that I hold near and dear to my heart. It made sad. I couldn't stand it. But all I could do is sit there and listen to them and think to myself, why do have to be right? Why can't both of you accept that there is some sort of miscommunication and actually listen to each other? Why does only one of you have to be right? I couldn't understand.


Why can't we just for a moment give up of ourselves and accept the other person for the sake of harmony? For the sake of love? Why can't we choose to be the bigger man, so to speak, and let go of our pride? Why does someone always have to be right?


Both of the people arguing had valid points but their anger wouldn't let them accept the other's point. Anger confused their logic. Had one decided to listen, they would have seen. Had one decided to listen, they would have stopped hurting the other with their words. I mean, what's so great in arguing anyways if we are just going to be close-minded and tear other people down. Debating I could maybe understand because the point is to be constructive at the very least. But arguing is a matter of pride.


But why against someone you love? Why wouldn't you choose to be selfless? Love is selfless. One of the passages that really inspires me to think this way is Romans 12:18. It says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." It's about valuing others before yourself. To seek the well being of others before yourself.


But I have a serious problem here. As much as I want to love others and seek peace, I forfeit things about me that make me me. I've noticed that I am people pleaser. Well, I've been knowing that. I use to think I was noble in doing so. But after deep reflectioning, I am beginning to see the real reason behind my actions. I want people to be happy not just for their sakes, but also, and sometimes even more so, for my own. It's like I have a love deficit. 


Let me explain. When I was still very young, I lost my mother to cancer. God in His mercy provided me with a new mother a couple years later. She loved (and still loves) me as her own child, but I felt like I needed to win her love. I did things so she would be happy with me. I made sure I was well behaved and got good grades in school. In every aspect of life, I made sure people were pleased with me. I never wanted to feel like a burden to anyone. I was your typical overachiever. I would always volunteer to help people, even if I didn't want to, thinking about denying the opportunity somehow did not ring with me. To this day, I still tell people I don't know many people that don't like me. I noticed that my actions weren't all that noble as I thought. 


Yet, I'm not as ignoble as I think of myself to be. I genuinely would like to think that all people still have a sense of goodness in then. After all, we were created by God. And God is good. We must have a hint of good in us. We must strive to let goodness and kindness reign. We must be moved by love. Love holds all things together. Love is life :)

Beauty Above

Before I begin, I would like to apologize for the long lapse between posts. Life, school and laziness during spring break didn't mix up too well. Also, I had a thought that I've not been able to fully verbalize and is a halfway unpublished post at the moment. But without any further ado: my thought of the day.


Today, I found myself absolutely dumbfounded. You know that look people give when they are absolutely lost and possibly tired as well. The one were their mouth is just slightly open and their eyes seem to just be staring off into space. That was me today, staring out a window. But not just any window. It was an airplane window. 


It's been years since I've last flown on a plane and I forgot the wonder that it is. One of man's greatest dreams has always been to fly. Reading old myths and stories, like Icarus and his man-made wings, we can see how much the sky and heavens have always fascinated mankind. And to think that now we are capable of sending people to outer space. As the plane traversed the sky, I couldn't help but stare out the window in pure awe. I was absolutely amazed. It was so beautiful.


Quite frankly, I don't think I've ever felt so stupefied by anything so amazing. I looked at the ground below, how everything that seems big to us seems so minute from the sky above. I loved looking at the different patches of land, the different shades of green, see how they were divided and connected.  I have quite a fascination for roads and highways, so when I saw their orderliness (or lack thereof), I loved it. The parallel and perpendicular roads, how the roads followed the natural groove of the earth, the lakes, the rivers, then the ocean. It was beautiful.


But what was truly beautiful were the clouds. Staring at the clouds and looking at their shapes on a nice summer day is one thing, but when you're right with them, it's surreal.  I would love to just touch a cloud. To think that these clouds, these fluffy cotton-looking-like things,  are just water and dust particles, it's amazing. And they're not just there, they're dynamic and changing and wow. No wonder our ancestor's use to think heaven was there. 


And what if it really was but in a spiritual dimension? This is just a thought not fully worked out yet but at the top of the stratosphere's level there is more surface area than at sea level, and clearly more area than all the actual dry ground. So even though there are 7 billion people currently alive and heck of a lot more people have lived through the history of earth, we could all possibly live in that heaven, because there is so much room. Think about it, not even all the land on earth is inhabited (clearly because not all is able to be life sustaining without the adequate technology and resources), so there should be more than enough room. But maybe not, I haven't made any calculations. This is just an idea.


It'd be kind of interesting to think about. But anyways, man these clouds were beautiful. After seeing that I was just convicted once again of God's magnificence. That's really the only thing on my mind other than all the science that is behind flying and the clouds and wind and everything. I mean if you can't even believe in a divine, greater-than-yourself, other-worldly being, clearly you've never been on a plane. It's just all too orderly and systematic and simple uniquely beautiful for their not to be a designer. It's almost like the designer's fingerprints are all over the clouds as they change shapes. That was meant to be rude in anyway but it's just a kind of wonder that you have to experience to acknowledge the wonder of the world you live in the midst in. For a moment you can actually see something greater than your own little world. As you fly over your hometown you realize how much more there is outside of your own bubble. There is a sense of grandeur and majesty and wonder that I just can't explain. 


And when you all you can see is the blue sky above, there are no words left. Well at least that was my experience. I remember that I flew on planes as a child and I always loved sitting window seat, but never do I remember been so fascinated by the sky (possibly just because I have a bad memory). The one thing I wished at that moment was that my little brother could see what I was seeing. Little kids have such an impressionable imagination. I know he would just fall in love and be utterly amazed. I would just love to hear what he would say. 


I'm pretty sure he would be fascinated. I love that about children. They are still amazed by the world. They're innocent and are still capable of seeing the beauty in everything. I hope you would be more open to seeing the beauty in life too, not just clouds :)

Love IS

I've been thinking...Maybe I love too easily. Not romantic love, necessarily. I can't say I know too much on that topic. But maybe I'm just in love with the idea of love. Hopefully you're not thinking this is going to be some mushy gushy lovey dovey what not, because it won't be, hopefully. 


So check this out. Out of the few things I remember from geometry, the transitive property of equality is one of them. You are given If "A", then "B" and If "B", then "C". Then by this property, if you have both of those given then: If "A", then  "C" is true . And you can rearrange this logic a bit so let's apply this. So: if God is love, and God is in everything, then love is in everything. Let me make sure I get this point across. LOVE is in everything.


I don't think I can really get this point across how I'm understanding it. Love, that thing which we all crave for and can't fully describe, comprehend, or express. Is. In everything, absolutely anything and everything you can think of. Now, I know grammatically that was absolutely incorrect but how amazing is that? I mean, seriously. How awesome is that?! It is truly awe inspiring. This realization has just rocked my worldview. I can't help but seeing everything through the lenses of love now. Love love love love love! Love! If you could only just see me right now, I talk with my hands, and they're just everywhere!! 


Love is a driving force. Whether you believe in God, gods, Buddha, the Force, or whatever, just substitute or delete the words if you can't accept it, but love, Love is. You just can't refute it. You may not understand it. You may not feel it. You may not want it. You may deny it. But love, Love is. You've probably heard this. It's become cliche the phrase that "love is not a word is an action," but just what type of action is it? 


I've heard it put this way (and it's probably my favorite rendition): love is a divine way of interacting with others. In this definition, there are several different aspects that make up this concept called "love". It's divine, therefore not human, unless of course you consider humans to be divine, but even then, there is a distinction between the mundane and naturalistic and that which is outside the natural realm. Secondly, it's a interaction, thus it cannot be static, it needs to have a giver and receiver. It is dynamic. And lastly, it is an specific type of interaction, not just the fact that it interacts. Also it is not reactive or counteractive, is it the propagator. So love in this sense, always is. 


I'm struggling to find words to accurately describe what I mean. Let me try and rephrase things. You are always either acting in love or you're not. There is no gray areas. So why not always act in love? Isn't that what we're called to do? Without bringing religion into this, doesn't Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs imply this? If our ultimate need to to be loved and accepted should we not also be the perpetrators of this? Shouldn't we not only not treat others in ways that we would not like to be treated but actually be proactive and treat others in ways we'd like to be treated? Shouldn't we want to love others and be loved by others? Shouldn't we want to understand others and then have others understand us? Shouldn't we love love?


I love you not by telling you so, not by thinking nice things of you, not by just being nice. I love you being getting to know what you understand to be love and showing you that love. I show you love by giving up of myself for you. I show you love by thinking of your well being more than my own. Love is shown by giving your life up for those you love. You can love anyone without knowing them intimately. You can love your boss by doing everything in a cheerful spirit, mainly if it is unpleasant things. You can love your friends by reminding them of their worth. You can love a stranger by acting in kindness. I can love you by sharing my heart with you yet Love is not something you just do, love is something you live. Love is life. Love gave up it's life for you. So live in Love. Live full of love. Live with love. Live your life in love :)

Thinking of Things and Such

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.”

-Winnie The Pooh

One of my childhood favorite characters is Winnie the Pooh. It may be rather silly and I may indeed be too old and ridiculous for it but I simply love Winnie the Pooh. It's not like I'm obsessed or anything, Pooh just hits a soft spot in my heart and quite frankly this quote does too. 


I've felt like this a lot recently. The things I think of don't seem to be quite the same once I decide to express them in words. In fact, the other day I think the closest I came to expressing this idea was when I put on my Facebook that "sometimes I just get too excited and I start to ramble and talk real loudly and probably don't make too much sense but just bear with me because it's something I must really want to share with you." 


I tend to think of myself as a person whose communication skills are quite inadequate for the type of thoughts I'd like to share. Although, I will admit I have gotten better over the last year or so, I am still not at the level I wish I were at. Generally, people have problems because they don't think before they speak; I think that, for me, it is quite the opposite. I think far too much before I speak and therefore, whenever I talk, my words seem incoherent and my ideas are bouncing all over the place. Or maybe it's that I think much faster than I can formulate the words to express the ideas. I'm not sure. I always like to picture my thoughts as all these words that are just rushing towards this tiny door (kind of like in Alice in Wonderland) but it's too many of them and they're going so fast that they crash and are squished at the doorway trying to get out. Basically like a bottleneck effect. But I don't really know how or even if they ever actually get out the door. My imagination just stops there.


Well clearly, I am not incapable of communicating my thoughts. If I were you would have given up reading by now, or at least I know I would have. But my effectiveness is a different story. I'd have to say I feel much more comfortable with written communication instead of verbal. Whatever I say or would like to say, I know in my head makes sense, but when I say it comes out exactly as I think it. So relating it back to my illustration, whichever thought made it out the door first in whichever order, that's how I'll say it. More than likely, it will not make to much sense to the listener. And this is why I like written communication. I can write exactly what I am thinking, see where the inconsistencies are at, and then rearrange them to make sense. Now, not only will others be better able to comprehend my thoughts but, most of the times, I get a more refined perspective on my own ideas. It's wonderful!


I wish I had realized this earlier, it would have been so beneficial. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, particularly my refusal to write. I used to think journaling and writing your thoughts down was a silly girly thing to do. I was never going to have a diary. The thought was simply revolting. Mainly since reading and writing fell under the category of English at school, I thought I would never willingly engage in reading a book nevertheless write for the fun of it. Who would have guessed that I actually enjoy doing both now? 


There are those of us who have a hard time voicing our opinion. I will willing admit I am one of those. I have my reasons why I do it. I don't like there to be disagreement or dissension. I like harmony so I will suppress my ideas for it's sake. But I know there are times when stating my idea wouldn't hurt and in fact may prove helpful. So I encourage you, if you're like me, don't be afraid to express your thoughts. Sure they may be whacky and sure they may make no sense to others, initially. You just got to take baby steps. Write on scratch paper, write a journal, talk to someone who you know will listen. You'll eventually be confident enough to speak your thoughts even when you know people will oppose them. This doesn't mean you will, you'll just be able to. Be so bold as to even start your own blog if you desire. Let me know and I'll surely love to know your thoughts :)

Nothing to Hide

My mom always told me, "if you're not doing anything bad then you have nothing to hide." Recently, I've been heavily convicted of this, so much so that I indeed heard my mom's voice in my head. Without deterring into the situation, I want to continue with what I brought up in the last post, the another value seeing in cultures about the tensions regarding vulnerability, whether or not to expose vulnerability or conceal vulnerability. By vulnerability, I mean weaknesses, flaws, mistakes, etc.


Clearly, I didn't state anything about the situation and thereby concealing it, but it makes me wonder: which is best? What's the difference between being transparent and being vulnerable? Is there a difference? What does it say about my integrity?


I understand that this is America; there's freedom of speech; we can say what we want and do what we want. While everything is permissible not everything is ideal, so where do we draw the line? How much should we really reveal about ourselves online? My dad told me that, according to some studies, many of the kids in this generation are going to have to change their names in order to get jobs because of the amount of things that future employers can find out about them through their social network accounts. It's sad and probable reality, at least to me. So it makes me wonder about the things I'm putting in this blog. How can I share my thoughts without revealing my life? 


I have yet to come up with a satisfactory answer for that one. But to answer at least one of the questions I've posed: transparency and vulnerability are different. To be transparent, is simply to have no fronts, no walls. Your life is inside a greenhouse and everything that goes on in it is visible. To be vulnerable is to be more than transparent, not only can everyone see your life, but they can prod at it. You are risking something.


If you' weren't wondering already, you're probably thinking now "so what?" My brother tells me that I go into many rabbit trails in this blog, but please bear with me I find it these side notes somewhat crucial to understanding my logic and, in general, just understanding me. Anyways, I'm struggling to embrace either one of the two values. I, for the most part (I say this because in my life there are always exceptions), don't mind exposing my weaknesses. But the problem with having your life on blast and open to the public is that people will walk all over you and use your openness against you. On the other hand, if I were to simply conceal my weaknesses no one could truly get to know me as a whole person with flaws and all.


So I wonder, how much can I really say? What am I compromising? I want to be completely honest. My biggest pet peeve is lying. For one, I am a terrible liar. Secondly, I am very gullible. But most importantly, even if I weren't those two, what's the point of lying? If you're not doing anything wrong why hide it? If you want to be a holistic person, the integral and the complete to integrity, why can't you just put flaws out there? Why must you be so careful? 


I wish people didn't take advantage of others then this wouldn't be a problem. I wish that could be so. Yes, there will still be fear of rejection, but you wouldn't have to worry about others trying to use that against you. But that's why we have feelings and we're human and life just is. I just want to be able to be completely open and honest and sincere with you, but, I guess, prudence refuses to let me do so. And it makes me sad.


But on a bright note: I am reminded once again that in these values there is neither right or wrong, it is merely a continuum. And even if there was a right and wrong, I can be comforted by the fact that I know my intentions aren't to blame. When and if I conceal my vulnerability, I am being prudent and waiting for the right time to expose then like my momma taught me; and when I expose my vulnerability, I am being open and humble (humble only if I don't do it for the express purpose of being humble because then that truly isn't humility). 


One thing I know for sure and one thing I will not be swayed from. In this world and modern era of relative truth there is one ultimate and absolute capital t Truth. We've heard the saying "the truth shall set you free" right? I just recently heard about a different look on this saying. Read it in its entirety and then you will understand what it truly means. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." "Then" implies a conditional statement which is (Jesus speaking) "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples." Oh how I wish we could all understand that. The truth, which isn't just what is true, isn't just what is true for you or for me, it isn't what makes sense and is logical or what is experiential and you have to live it. It's something bigger than that, it's bigger than life. The truth, the truth can be found if you not only understand the teaching but if you apply it and live it. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and you'll have nothing to hide.

Must Be Worth It

So in one of the classes I am taking we are reading a book that takes a look at a model basic values that more or less define culture. To the author of the book, there are six pairs of contrasting traits.  Being an immigrant in America, I can see how my personal values are mixture between those of my cultural background as a Hispanic and those of the environment I've been raised in for the majority of my life, aka the US. As a result, I find myself either in conflict as I pull away from the traditions of my parents (which younger generations tend to do anyways, for better or worse) or I find myself right in the middle of with no preference for either trait.

As I finally caught back up in the reading of this book (I promised myself I will keep this one resolution), the last two pairs of contrasting traits I read about I noticed were two things I've been struggling with for a while now. The first value is called tensions about self-worth, with the two traits being status focused or achievement focused. The second one is tensions regarding vulnerability, with its two traits being willingness to expose vulnerability or a concealment of vulnerability. 

I am not sure how good I am at describing these but I will give it a go. I will dedicate a blog for each because I could talk about each forever. So I'll cover the second one soon. The first one deals with how we value people. Do we look to their personal achievements or do we look at their societal standing? In general (because we can't really generalize everything), America, as a country that values individualism, will value people according to what they have accomplished. In America, people love the underdog story, the rags to riches story, and people are given praise for their accomplishments. In another culture, let's say the Yapese because they're the example given in the book, people see their worth not through merits but through birth and social rank. Now keep in mind, neither value is good nor bad. What my professor always refers to is that these values are on a continuum with the contrasting pairs at opposite ends and your beliefs just fall somewhere in the middle. It just depends in which culture you're in to see how well your view is accepted.

For me, I feel like I am an extremist. Well, that probably isn't necessarily a good label, just the one that always pops into my head every time I to think of the way I do things. I'm either all or none. I like to either dress up entirely or be a complete bum. I work really hard or, once again, bum around. (Quite frankly, this may just be a fight against my laziness). In all honesty, I know I do not have the greatest self esteem and either measure of valuing people trips me up. I will respect others simply for who they are, their title, because in someway they merit, even if by birth they've had to do something to maintain their reputation. I also will respect others because of their achievements because clearly they deserve honor where honor is due. But when it comes to myself, I find it difficult. 


There's a term MLK Jr. calls "drum major instinct," in which it shows people's desire to be the best and rise above even if that means pushing others down to get to the spot, yet all the while not feeling up to one's own standard. So it becomes a cycle, and I can see that in my life to some extent. I would like to hope I haven't pushed anyone down to better myself but I know in my head I am proud and find myself comparing to others to see some good in me. My brother never fails to remind me I was salutatorian, for some reason I think he's more proud of it than me.But as I do that I realize I am not good. "There is no one good among us, not not one." 


I guess, in complete honesty, I just don't want to find my worth through my accomplishments or through my family as great as a reputation and heritage they've given me, that is empty. My worth, your worth, comes through something greater, something everlasting, something un-created, something unfathomable. How can you put a price on something priceless? Your worth comes through the simple fact that you are who you are, and you are a creation of God. And more than that you are HIS personal creation. God, the Sacred, the Divine, the Other, whatever you wish to call It, Yahweh, creator of all this universe, of all there is, loves you, loves you personally, with all your apparent flaws and oddities, everything that you are, whatever you are, He loves you. He, who is the essence of love, who IS love, finds you worthy of love. You must be worth it.


At some point in our life, we struggle finding purpose and worth, but don't worry you're not alone. You're never ever alone. If that ever seems to be the case, you know where to find me :)






"Once you know this Jesus, there's nothing better for you" :)
-  She Said, The Walla Recovery